In the fall of 2012 I saw the video of Lana Wachowski’s
acceptance speech from the HRC. This
speech made me think strongly of my struggles with identity. She had her own struggle based on gender
identity. I had mine with being defined
by labels, some of which I was placing on myself. I was defining myself based on my physical
limitations, my cleft palate, lip, and hearing impairment. I am not my
limitations; I am a sum of all my parts and experiences. I stopped doing this, years ago in my twenties. After a long abusive relationship, I found
myself identifying myself with my limitations again. This is the result of putting so much of
myself into the relationship. I lost
sight of who I was, I defined myself by being my ex’s caretaker and defined
myself the way she did. She defined
herself by her illnesses and limitations.
As a kid I learned to stop asking what I could not do, but what I could
do. A long conversation with Kaebel Hashitani helped me rethink that pattern of
thinking. Being born with a birth defect I have found that my insides did not
match what was outside, because of this I have often felt a kinship to the LGBT
community although I do not belong to it. I had also always felt to be an
outsider looking in, just because of an accident of genetics.
One label I clung to was Geek and/ or Nerd. I am so much more. I am educated, resourceful, playful,
irreverent, knowledgeable, perceptive and kind, at the least. Like many in the Geek/ Nerd community I have
my social quirks, most of those are due to being isolated from my peers at a
young age due to hospitalization. That
should never be an excuse, so when I find I do something that is awkward
towards someone else I do my best not to repeat it. One of my gifts in handling my physical limitations
is being able to read faces and body language, so I try to be less oblivious
than when I was younger. I also work to
not allow my passions to over rule me.
Passions can become obsessions and unhealthy ones at that. I may be a Geek and a Nerd, but that is not
the be all and end all of what I am.
Recently I have found a home within the Portland, Oregon
Geek/ Nerd Community. A majority of
folks there have made me feel welcome.
They have also helped me in healing my wounds from my previous situation.
My Racial/ Ethnic/ Cultural identity has been
interesting. I grew up in what appeared
to be a standard Blue Collar Caucasian American household. My neighborhood and hometown was more
interesting. My neighborhood’s ethnic
make-up was 60% Mexican-American and 40% everything else. This was in the early Seventies during the
Chicano power movement. I dealt with
anti-white sentiment from my peers very young.
I learned to overcome the animosity I felt from this period. My hometown of Oxnard, California
had a large and influential Japanese-American community as well. I have a Filipino Aunt who taught my mother
her culture’s cuisine. When it came to
food my household was extremely multi-cultural.
When my family moved to Oregon
full time, I found myself in white bread land.
I soon realized how much I was impacted by Mexican-American culture
growing up. I learned both Square
Dancing and Traditional Mexican Dancing in grade school. My mom learned how to make homemade tortillas
from the neighbor ladies. So I find
myself in Yamhill
County and it definitely
in the Eighties had very little Cultural variety. In College and my Twenties I was introduced
to Hawaiian culture by friends from that culture. They embraced me and I learned that thanks to
my Aunt we had some of the same cultural touchstones. My Hawaiian friends taught me more of their
culture. Now, I do not claim any right
to Hawaiian, Mexican-American, Japanese-American, Filipino and any other
culture that has impacted me over the years.
I cannot speak for them. My life
however is richer by their influences upon me.
In my twenties I learned My Paternal Grandfather was
Jewish. I tried to learn about that part
of my heritage, but came up against a few roadblocks. First, it was on my father’s side of the
family, according to many branches of Judaism the heritage follows the mother’s
side. Second, I was not raised in that
culture or religion so had not clue how to behave. I may have made some serious mistakes. I grew
up being raised in a Protestant Christian household, not as strict as my mother
or paternal grandmother; both grew up Pentecostal. Third, I was viewed as an outsider by some
and that did not help. I met many folks
who helped me understand. I also found
out when I was 11, than my paternal Grandmother had Native American
heritage. Learning about this was even
more difficult. Even though I resemble
that side of the family, I appear to be totally Caucasian. Native Americans have experienced a lot of
crap from White Americans. People with
little Native American heritage have tried to tell Full Blooded folks what
their culture was. That burns after
centuries have being denied their culture by the U.S. Government. I am still trying to discover what that side
of the family is so I can learn that heritage, because Native American is not
one Culture but hundreds. Although I
appear to be very White Bread Caucasian, due to my experiences and heritage I
am multicultural.
My Spiritual path has been an interesting one. I grew up in an Evangelical Christian
household and I felt no matter how much good I did it would never be
enough. I tried to fit in, but the
intolerance of people of differing faiths frustrated me to no end. This was even worse because I had family and
friends in those faiths. In my twenties
through the RPG Shadowrun I discovered Shamanism, it sang to me. I decided to research the real stuff. I found a lot of things I loved. I fell in with the New Age and Neo-Pagan
communities. I started to research
Shamanism from a Pre-Christian European point of view so that lead me to the
Neo-Pagan Community. When trying to
learn about Shamanism among Native American Nations, I found it easy with
books, but people were wary. Too many
Caucasian folks before me have taken parts of their spirituality without
permission and then criticized those who lived and grew in that path. I have tried to follow my path with respect
towards everyone. I had a mentor who
taught me Wicca, I continued there till I saw my path diverging. My personal path is a mixture of Celtic,
Norse and Native American, much like my own self. One thing I do is I refer to myself as a
Shamanist not a Shaman. This is on
purpose. Shaman denotes a Spiritual
leader; I have never claimed to be one.
I may become one, but I am not comfortable with that title now. Shamanist to me implies a follower of
shamanism. In the Neo-Pagan community
many people use Shaman, Druid and Witch; those titles seem to me to be
leadership roles. So that community
seems top heavy with leaders and lacking in followers.
I am also a Survivor. I survived Childhood Sexual Abuse,
Domestic Violence and Abuse. I am open
about the sexual abuse, but I try not to be too forward of it. It was particularly difficult being a male
Survivor of a Female abuser, I was six and she was sixteen. Many male friends when I confided them about
the abuse laughed and said I got lucky.
I never felt lucky about it. I
never felt shameful about it after I came forward to my parents about it. I was lucky in the fact it was not a family
member. The trauma of it made it
difficult for me to have sexual relationships; it also had me confused about my
sexual identity. Once I figured that I
was a normal Heterosexual male and that what
my abuser did had little to do with sex and more to do with power, I was
ready. Before that I was able to have
platonic relationship with women, but romantic ones were problematic on my
end. I had a few missteps with
relationships and my first major one was abusive. Now, since I only recently got out of that
situation I do seem to bring it up quite a bit.
That is not because of the label.
That is due to the fact I am still trying to get my head around what
happened and the fact I am finally out of it after fourteen years. To my friends, if my discussing my Ex is
tiring, I apologize. Please be patient
with me, even after a year it is still raw.
I am trying to figure out where I fit into this new life of mine. I still question everything about the
relationship, my exit, and my life in the last fourteen years. From what I understand, it is normal. Many of the Portland geek community helped me through
this situation, with their podcasts. The
various live events gave me a clue what life without my Ex could be, I needed
that spark to give me the idea to leave.
It also showed me how much life I was missing. In many ways I had lost myself in the
relationship. This exercise is helping
me reassert my Identity and who I am.
In the year since my big upheaval, I have had to reevaluate
who and what I am. I am still trying to
figure out who I want to be. I
definitely know who I do not what to be: a burden, a victim, a know-it-all, a
curmudgeon, a cynic, a pessimist, an abuser, a jerk, a sad sack, and
pitiful. I am rediscovering friends, joys,
passions, laughter and myself. I thought
I would share some of that journey with folks.
Is this everything? No, it is
just the tip of the proverbial ice berg.
It is a huge start. One thing I
know is if I stop growing as a person, I must not be living. I am still growing and cannot wait to see
what is next for me.
