Letting Go

Many of us who call ourselves Geeks and Nerds do something that is very destructive, we hold onto the past.  Specifically we hold one to past pains and hurts like badges of honor. For many of us, we were bullied and teased by our peers.  That resentment and anger builds.  Recently, the backlash of those hard feelings has presented itself in inappropriate ways.  It has caused many in the Nerd and Geek culture to gate keep or in other words, to say who and who isn’t allowed.  That is horse manure, why should we treat new folks like we had been by others.  This is even more absurd that many behaving this way are allegedly grown adults.

Why have I begun to rethink this idea?  I never liked gate keeping.  Who are we to judge?  Some of the so-called poseurs may become part of our tribe.  Why behave like those who treated us badly, it makes no sense. Much of this behavior is targeted towards females, because many male geeks and nerds were hurt by females in their pasts.  We as a community need to let go of our resentments, hurt and anger.  Carrying this stuff becomes toxic.  Thus creating a toxic environment we have been seeing with the attitudes towards the new influx of people embracing Geek and Nerd culture, especially females, people of color, and those from the LGBTQ community.

To be honest I did this myself.  I held all the hurt from the bullying and teasing as a badge of honor, when actually it was a burden.  I had been teased, ridiculed, bullied, and ostracized from grade school to high school and to a certain degree even in University.  Recently, I learned what harm I had been doing myself holding on to this pain and hurt.  One of my grade school to high school friends reconnected with me on Facebook.  He used to rib me constantly; sometimes I thought he did not care for me much.  It came out that the people I grew up with in grade school had been looking for me.

I was surprised by this and friended many folks from that era.  I told many I was surprised that they wanted to know me again and were looking for me. I was reminded that I was one of them.  This included some folks who were cruel and mean to me.  I forgave them and asked forgiveness of those I believed I may have wronged myself.  In one conversation I was reminded that we were all grown adults and were pushing 50.  All these things happened when we were kids.  Kids do stupid stuff.  Holding onto to all the pain and hurt was not good for me.  Some in the Geek and Nerd community allow that hurt and pain to define them.  I do not want that kind of negativity to define me, so I let it all go. 

To be honest there are still some wounds too raw those have not healed enough for me to move on completely.  I am working on it.  Those are all recent.  I have given up holding onto the crap from childhood and high school.  That is a waste of time and energy for someone over 30.  I believe that this is the source of much of the toxicity we have seen in the Geek and Nerd community.  Holding onto al this negativity only breeds the hate, rage and resentment we have been dealing with in that last few years.  My advice to those who have been hurt, try not to hold onto that in the end it become toxic.  If you exude toxic energy no one wants to be around that.  That toxicity only creates more of the same and ends in a vicious circle. By letting go, it results in such a relief of that kind of burden. That Has Been My Not So Humble Opinion.

Survival & Challenges

A term that gets overused these days is survivor, as in survivor of any traumatic or life-threatening event.  With a catastrophic health issue, I understand its use.  In the media it sometimes feels over used.  I could claim that label multiple times, a survivor of childhood physical abuse, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, an adult child of an alcoholic, and a survivor of domestic abuse.  I have had quite a few challenges in my life. I have had people tell me; they would be permanently stuck in the fetal position if they had been me.  Among my challenges, thing I need to overcome, are a hearing impairment, a cleft lip and palate, several medical conditions as a result of those birth defects, a learning disability, depression (possibly Seasonal Affective Disorder), and ADD.   All of these things are part of me, but they do not define me.

My problem, with the word survive, is that in means just surviving a traumatic event is enough.  It is true that some don’t survive it. Some however never get past it or allow it to control their lives.  What I think is good for dealing with these types of challenges is surviving and thriving.  What I mean by thriving is to grow and be strong after such difficulty.  I myself am not a perfect example of this, but it is something I work towards. I strive to survive and thrive. I am not trying to be flippant about this, surviving and thriving are not easy tasks.  It takes years of work, determination and will to do so.  These obstacles are not easy to overcome.

Many folks have difficulty overcoming those obstacles.  Am I saying they are less for not being able to do so?  No, I am not.  Some folks need more help than others to get through these things.  I just know what I decided to do in my situation.  The reason why I strive to thrive is it is a way to not let those who have hurt me to win.  I am a fighter; I always have been.  I have fought to function at the same level as most others.  My physical obstacles have never made that easy.  I have never had any thing easy, due to that I cherish what I have.

I am not some perfect paragon, as of July 2015, I am still living with family and unemployed.  I still struggle daily with my weight and physical conditioning.  I am working to resolve these things in me.  I have support and people who care.  I still deal with other obstacles that interfere with what I desire.  Raging or crying does not resolve it.  I have learned how to create plans of action for my needs.  Do I always do as I plan or accomplish what I plan? No, I do not.  I do brush myself off and do it again until I succeed.  For me giving up is not an option. Back as when I was a kid in the 1970’s there was a toy called the Weebles.  They were egg shaped people and animals. They had a slogan, “Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down.”  That is part of my strategy in life, I take the hits, but I won’t let it keep me down.  I am not everybody else, and others have their own strategies.

I am not immune to wanting to give up. With my history of fighting just to function day to day due my physical challenges, there is a voice in my head that won’t let me give up.  My inner voice is not nice either.  It comes down to doing the best you can with what you have and learning how to use as many resources as you can.  This all based on my personal history, everyone else’s experiences with vary. 

Milepost 1 on the Road to Wellness

In the two months since my first post about my journey to better health a few things happened.  First, May was the month I lowered my convenience foods to a trickle.  I also started cooking from scratch.  I have not eliminated all frozen, canned, boxed, and bagged foods.  I eliminated all those loaded with all those unnecessary chemicals.  I kept my Zatarain’s but went with either the brown rice or reduced sodium versions.  I continued with the Thai Kitchen rice noodle soup bricks. I removed Cliff bars completely.  My soda intake was whittled down to five a month.  I have been eating a lot of frozen table seedless grapes. Canned chili was replaced with Carroll Shelby’s chili con carne mix.  I added vegetables to dirty rice and chili con carne.

Second, I continued working with portion control.  I went from three bratwursts a sitting to two.  In June, I went from four sandwiches a sitting to two.  In June I did treat myself to two high cocoa chocolate bars, but I did not eat either in one sitting.  When I do treat myself it is one fast food sandwich or two tacos.  Zatarain’s boxed dinners (red beans and rice, black beans and rice, and dirty rice) count for two or more meals instead of one.  I eat one apple or pear at a time.  I eat one piece of fruit leather instead of two or more.  My large Kellogg’s cereal bowls are used for fruit if anything these days.  I limit how much I eat.  I work on not overdoing it. 

I am trying to have more variety in my food. I am using either fat free items or those using olive oil.  Olive oil is my oil or fat of choice, I working to use less butter. Tortilla chips are baked with olive oil.  My dairy products are limited to yogurt and cheese these days.  I can make sorbets and smoothies with a new to me Vitamix, which was a birthday present.  I wanted a Dessert Bullet, but wonderful mother went with something she thought would benefit me more.  Alton Brown always says to avoid uni-tasker machines if at all possible.  I broke out my 6 year old never used George Foreman grill.  It helped keep the fat level down in grilled meats. 

In cooking from scratch again, I have re-ignited my passion for cooking and exploring new foods. In May, I made Sopa de Lima (Yucatan chicken and lime soup), something I had eaten, but never cooked. In June, I made Thai lemongrass and chicken soup, and Indonesian sweet pork.  Future plans include Russian style beef Stroganoff with rice, Madras Beef, and Spanish tortilla (a potato and egg fried omelet).  I get to try new things without the costs of restaurants.  I also get to learn new things and express myself creatively.  I also reconnected with a few favorites from my past chili relleno casserole, Filipino adobo, and my maternal grandmother's zucchini casserole.  Future plans also include meatloaf using rolled oats, another favorite from my childhood, and Filipino pancit with bean thread noodles.

I pulled a muscle in early June and was down a week.  That was a set back, but I powered through. Also both push lawn mowers went down.  Those two affected my activity level.  The muscle pull more so, since I still did my walks with the lawn mowers down.  I exacerbated the pull in helping move some heavy items.  I took it cool after that.  I have had illness and other physical setbacks in the past.  I can get through them. 

In April, I learned I lost 6 lbs in 3 weeks, since I was seen in March.  The following five weeks at my second Dietitian appointment, I lost anther 21 lbs, leading to a total of 27 lbs since late March.  That 21 lbs was a surprise, I knew I had lost some weight, but not that much.  I am working with my dietitian to be watchful on what I am doing and eating.  This is not a sprint, but a marathon.

                          

Sir Christopher Lee and Me

On June 7th, 2015 the world lost the last of the Classic Horror Greats, Sir Christopher Lee.  He was in a long line that included Lon Chaney, Sr., Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi, Peter Lorre, John Carradine, Lon Chaney, Jr., Vincent Price, Lionel Atwill, George Zucco, and Peter Cushing.  In 2007 he was in the Guinness Book of World Records for the most screen credits 244 at the time, he had a few more after that.  He had been a covert agent in World War II.  He had been a Nazi hunter after the war.  He  did this all before he was 25.  In the late forties, at the age of 25, he decided to take up acting.

It is not an exaggeration to say Sir Christopher Lee seriously freaked me out as a kid.  I could handle some scary films, black and white or with humor like many of the Vincent Price films. Sir Christopher Lee’s Dracula in color scared little Ricky all to heck.  Many portrayals of Dracula were more sultry, more seductive, but Sir Christopher Lee was all those things and incredibly menacing.  I tried to watch his Dracula films multiple times till I was 12.  I failed miserably.  He scared the living bejeezus out of me.

When I saw him in The Three Musketeers, The Four Musketeers, and the Man with the Golden Gun as the villain I was like I can buy that.  I loved him in those roles.  He became one of my favorite villainous actors. The older I got the more I was able to go back and watch his earlier work.  So far the only Dracula film of his I have seen as an adult was Dracula 1972 AD.  I was impressed, he was everything I remembered and feared, he was also so much more.  It also starred his most famous collaborator Peter Cushing.  Those two together are magic. Now, I wish to hunt down those collaborations and the collaborations he did with Vincent Price, as well.

He was a Science Fiction, Fantasy, and Horror Fanboy himself.  He told the story of fanboying out on J.R.R. Tolkien at a pub.  He took roles some would definitely pass on.  According to Guinness Book of World Records, in 2008 he was listed as the most connected actor, any actor connected to his in 2.59 steps.  Beat that Kevin Bacon.   He worked with some of the greatest directors of all time.

I saw his work in the Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Hugo, and many of the films at the later part of his career.  I went back and saw some of his earlier roles as an adult, Wicker Man, the Magic Christian and more.  He never disappointed. Although he seemed always type cast as the villain, he never balked at it.  He wanted to play Gandalf, but Peter Jackson felt Saruman fit better.  His personality according to many sources was the opposite of the roles he played.  He was generous and gracious to his costars.  He did as much if not more television than he did film.  He was never above anything, so it seems.  He may have scared me, but he always entertained and awed me.  The world lost another great entertainer and person.  It is up to us, film fans to make sure Sir Christopher Lee, and many of the other Classic Horror Greats are never forgotten. Celebrate his life and works and go watch the man's films. You will not be sorry.  Thank you Sir Christopher Lee for all you work.  You will be missed.

Childish Things

On May 19^th, 2015, several Facebook friends posted an article about Simon Pegg (http://birthmoviesdeath.com/2015/05/19/we-must-accept-simon-pegg-as-the-king-of-the-geeks).  In an interview he talked about how many adults are consuming childish things: superheroes, comic books and the like.   He wondered if this was an infantilzation of Western Culture. He later referred to the more intellectual work of genre fiction; his examples were Ex Machina and Mad Max: Fury Road.  He posited that genre can be used to delve into deeper subject matter, but somehow the Superhero films and those that target nostalgia for those in the 30’s or older were possibly bread and circuses (the phrase refers to the Roman practice of using food and spectacle to distract the masses from what is really going on).

I had been in a situation where I was belittled for enjoying, video games, comic books, superheroes, and animation.  When I left, I re-claimed those things.  The reclaiming of my geeky passions was a way for me to reclaim my identity.  If you were to see where I live, you would see my superhero action figures and other geeky/nerdy merchandise.  Those who have known me for a long time know my childhood was no bed of roses.  When I have these things that connect to my childhood, they are because they connect to so very strong positive memories.  Pegg claimed that this infantilzation of pop culture is used to distract from weightier issues.  This may be true for many, but not for me.  The funny thing is that in the format superheroes where introduced, comic books, I have found myself drifting away from them.  I have even sold most of my comic book collection.  

I tried to keep up but the continuity and events soon soured me again on mainstream superheroes from the big two, Marvel Comics and DC Comics.  I still read, watch and buy merchandise and media about superheroes, just not in comic book format.  When Pegg mentioned the headier genre fiction, I have been reading those kinds of novels for decades. I enjoy work that makes me think and re-think my views.  Such authors for that lately have been Nathan Lowell, Charles de Lint, Jay Lake, Abigail Hilton, and John Scalzi.  I have many other authors I enjoy for sheer entertainment values.  Neither diminishes the need for the other. 

The attitude that reaching for the nostalgia of one’s youth is new to Generation X or younger is incorrect.  In the early 80’s there was a re-make of the Lone Ranger targeted to the Baby Boomers.  I know of grown men who were highly influenced by westerns on film, television and in literature who still consume all the media and merchandise associated with their youth.  Then you have the revival of fifties music in the seventies and the revival of sixties music in the eighties.  The nostalgia game is hardly anything new.  Wizard of Oz still appears yearly on television as do many holiday special from long gone decades.  In the 1980’s there were revivals of Gidget, Dobbie Gillis and they even reunited Frankie and Annette.

The thing is what Pegg is referring to is mostly targeted to the Nerd/Geek community, which in the last decade has gone seriously mainstream.  What we need to do is appreciate our loves from are youth, but not allow that to regress to being childish ourselves.  Youthful energy and passion is good, making it the end all be all that can be considered questionable.  

We need to not allow these passions to become bread and circuses. What I mean is do not allow the powers that be distract us from making the world a better place for everyone.  There are many injustices out in the world, we should work to make sure they no longer hold true. We need to build better communities.  Why not start with pop culture communities?  We can work to make them safe and enjoyable for as many as we can.  We can then work out in a widening spiral to help everyone in our personal sphere.  The Browncoats (Firefly/Serenity fans) hold events regularly to help the show’s creator, Joss Whedon’s favorite cause Equality Now, which works for the Human Rights for Females. That kind of fandom mixed with activism can and could be powerful.

We also need to promote balance with outside interests and our popular culture passions.  When passions become unhealthy obsessions they hurt those involved, not always directly.  When I talk about healthy, I mean physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.  I feel however putting away all childish youthful things may be going too far.  We need to feed the inner child that helps keep us youthful in our minds.  There is a fine line between passion and obsession, it is necessary to find the line and know our limits.

We also need to feed the adult, by dealing responsibly with the world and others. We should read things that stimulate our intellect and improve our knowledge base. We should help others find their passions and help ground them with the real world.  That can be by example and/or mentoring.  There is a time for all things under heaven as according to chapter three of Ecclesiastes also used for the Byrds song Turn! Turn! Turn!  Well, That Has Been My Not So Humble Opinion.

Road to Wellness

I have not been the best caretaker of my body.  In my old life, I gained some very bad habits.  Many of these bad habits had to do with food and health. The last year and a half I have been working to change that. During the old life, I gained a whopping 180 lbs within a fourteen year period.  I allowed my freedom in adulthood to lead to overindulgence.  I need now to work back to some of the older healthier habits of my youth. I am not expecting to be less than 200 lbs.  I will be happy with less than 250lbs. 

One bad habit has been the over reliance on convenience foods.  That is everything from canned soups and chilies, to frozen dinners and entrées, to pre-packaged things I could make myself.  I used to cook all the time from scratch.  My current living situation has made that difficult.  I am going to finish all my frozen and canned items then stop buying them.  Some things I will still buy, like the Thai rice noodle soups (they look like ramen), yogurt, instant oatmeal, and the Zatarain’s boxed meals.  Simple things like Guacamole and Tzatziki will be made at home. What makes the living situation difficult is my lack of kitchen equipment. The instant/ microwaveable/oatmeal I will keep for portion control reasons.

I love cooking and I am quite good at it.  Getting back into the habit is not going to be easy.  There are challenges in no longer having the kitchen equipment I used to have.  I cannot lament the loss of what I left behind in leaving my old household. That just ends up a pity party.  This time around the choices are solely my own.

I have already limited my Soda Pop consumption to 3-5 times a week from that amount a day since January of 2015.  Since April my Soda Pop consumption is now at 5-10 times a month.  April of 2015, I removed my candy bars and ice cream.  I am seeing a dietitian. She has helped me come up with alternatives to the ice cream, my biggest weakness, fruit juice bars, frozen fresh grapes, frozen yogurt and sorbets.  Another thing I replaced the sweets with is fruit.  I am increasing the fresh fruit consumption.  I have one snacking weakness that I have kept Bacon Jerky.  It is like meat crack for me.  That is why two bags a month is the limit.  I also eat 4 Cliff Bars and 16 pieces of fruit leather a month.  Another step is making my own tortilla chips.  A suggestion I got was to bake them with a drizzle of olive oil.

I am not working on a diet.  I am working on a lifestyle change.  Another old habit is the avoidance or limited amount of wheat products.  My family (my parents, brother and I) is very sensitive to wheat products. I have been trying to limit that incredibly since I started the new life. I eat more rice, corn (maize), and potato products instead. I am also increasing the good fatty foods, avocados, olive oil and the like.  I am also helping friends who are new to avoiding wheat and or gluten. So far their response to my suggestions has been great.  Having had to deal with the wheat intolerance diagnosis since the 1970’s, I know a few things and tricks of the trade, so to speak.

In June 2014, I began a physical activity regimen.  I walk a mile every other day.  The plan is two days on one off after June 2015. I had been having serious issues with stamina prior to the walking.  I have been getting better, but in some ways it does not feel fast enough.  This is a marathon not a sprint, so I am trying to show patience. I already am able to do more.  I used to be able only to mow one lawn a day now I can do two, unless they are long.  These are very large lawns. 

Portion control has been another thing I have been working on.  I used to eat a small breakfast, one yogurt then a big dinner.  Now I am eating small amounts every 2 to 3 hours.  I only eat when I hungry.  My large Kellogg’s cereal bowls are in retirement.  Two months ago went from using them to a standard cereal/soup bowl.  Now cold cereals are gone for oatmeal, which is more satisfying at smaller portions.  I use to eat box meals of frozen bagged meals all in a sitting.  That is something I am working on resolving.  I have had wonderful input from friends on my Facebook page.

In April I added more vegetables to my eating schedule. I am adding them to many of my meals.  I also have been eating a serving at a small meal as well.  It is mostly frozen vegetables at this time, but I plan to add more fresh as time goes on.

A year and a half ago I was started on a blood pressure medicine.  It turns out two family members had adverse reactions to it.  My previous medical clinic ignored my concerns.  They are no longer my clinic.  That same clinic put me on diabetes medication when I did not have a diabetes diagnosis, but was high risk.  Some of those medications make people physically dependent of them to function.  I was unsure of that too.  Those concerns were also ignored.  My clinic transitioned me off the blood pressure medication and removed the diabetes medication from my prescriptions.   There are other health concerns being worked out.

This is a work in progress. I am by no means at any of my goals.  I cannot give up.  In the past my father offered use of his mobility scooters.  That is not going to happen.  As long as I can stand I will walk.  I may need to sit down from time to time, but I cannot use those scooters.  That to me is clearly giving up. I was told to use the riding lawn mowers.  I need to put one to get my stamina back. 

I have a good support network in friends and family.  I cannot get so discouraged that I give up too.  That has been another issue in the past.  This Has Been My Not So Humble Opinion.