Inspirational Silliness

I have some online friends who challenge my perceptions with various posts.  One of these people is writer, David Walker of BadAzzMoFo, Cyborg (DC Comics), Number 13 (Dark Horse Comics), Shaft comic (Dynamite Entertainment), Darius Logan: Super Justice Force, and much more.  Recently he posted a Ted Talk video of Stella Young. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxrS7-I_sMQ)  She discussed disability and Inspirational Porn.  This is a cultural phenomenon where people of disabilities are used to inspire those without.  It is not just disabilities, people who have come out of certain traumas somewhat intact are treated this way too, traumas including childhood sexual abuse, childhood physical abuse, sexual assault, and domestic abuse.

This made me think about my personal experiences.  Many of us with physical disabilities are not given the access and tools we need to function, that is more a disability than the actual medical issue.  I may be reiterating what Ms. Young said in her talk, but her points are valid and poignant.  This holding folks with disabilities up on a pedestal and objectifying them and their struggle is a disservice too.  I have had people do that to me.  I felt like, “Hey get me off this pedestal, I am afraid of heights.”  Or, “Dude, this pedestal is so high I am getting a nose bleed.”  Some think they are empowering us, but in fact objectification does the opposite.  It makes us part of the other. Normalization of disabilities would be better. We need to see a wheel chair or hearing aid like we do a pair of glasses or a pair of left hand scissors.

I am writing this on the 25^th Anniversary of the passage of Americans with Disabilities Act, July 26^th, 2015.  I was at University of Oregon when that piece of legislation was passed.  I had been active in Students for Equal Access (the Disabled Students group).  At the time we had been working for the passage of this legislation, so our organization was extremely politicized.  People with disabilities just want to be seen as every day people.  If we are extraordinary it is because who we are, not our disabilities. 

I will admit I was one of those who bought into the lie of Inspirational Porn.  This is something I will no longer allow. I will remind myself that just getting up and functioning in and of itself is not some monumental accomplishment.  As a kid I did not think it was that big of a deal.  What I will strive for is to become the best me I can be. I will not be someone’s inspiration based on just being able to function. That is just silly. 

I understand that some may see my being able to overcome my daily and life challenges as inspiring, but do not objectify me.  Realize I am an imperfect human being; there are things about me that are unpleasant as there is about all of us.  I am more than my disabilities and history.  They are definitely part of who I am, but they are not all of what makes up the person I am.

This is similar to the Noble Savage objectification of Native Americans and other indigenous peoples.  Putting folks up on a pedestal takes some of their realness and their agency away.  This is what happens with Inspiration Porn to those with disabilities.  When people break out of the roles that society assigns them, society gets upset and uncomfortable.  Putting people into boxes and roles they did not choose is a disservice too.  Society is misplacing its expectations on people and it is not a healthy endeavor.   Human beings in general need to let people be flaws and all.  Acceptance with what everyone strives for, and trying to fit people into cookie cutter expectations does not work.  This Has Been My Not So Humble Opinion.

Letting Go

Many of us who call ourselves Geeks and Nerds do something that is very destructive, we hold onto the past.  Specifically we hold one to past pains and hurts like badges of honor. For many of us, we were bullied and teased by our peers.  That resentment and anger builds.  Recently, the backlash of those hard feelings has presented itself in inappropriate ways.  It has caused many in the Nerd and Geek culture to gate keep or in other words, to say who and who isn’t allowed.  That is horse manure, why should we treat new folks like we had been by others.  This is even more absurd that many behaving this way are allegedly grown adults.

Why have I begun to rethink this idea?  I never liked gate keeping.  Who are we to judge?  Some of the so-called poseurs may become part of our tribe.  Why behave like those who treated us badly, it makes no sense. Much of this behavior is targeted towards females, because many male geeks and nerds were hurt by females in their pasts.  We as a community need to let go of our resentments, hurt and anger.  Carrying this stuff becomes toxic.  Thus creating a toxic environment we have been seeing with the attitudes towards the new influx of people embracing Geek and Nerd culture, especially females, people of color, and those from the LGBTQ community.

To be honest I did this myself.  I held all the hurt from the bullying and teasing as a badge of honor, when actually it was a burden.  I had been teased, ridiculed, bullied, and ostracized from grade school to high school and to a certain degree even in University.  Recently, I learned what harm I had been doing myself holding on to this pain and hurt.  One of my grade school to high school friends reconnected with me on Facebook.  He used to rib me constantly; sometimes I thought he did not care for me much.  It came out that the people I grew up with in grade school had been looking for me.

I was surprised by this and friended many folks from that era.  I told many I was surprised that they wanted to know me again and were looking for me. I was reminded that I was one of them.  This included some folks who were cruel and mean to me.  I forgave them and asked forgiveness of those I believed I may have wronged myself.  In one conversation I was reminded that we were all grown adults and were pushing 50.  All these things happened when we were kids.  Kids do stupid stuff.  Holding onto to all the pain and hurt was not good for me.  Some in the Geek and Nerd community allow that hurt and pain to define them.  I do not want that kind of negativity to define me, so I let it all go. 

To be honest there are still some wounds too raw those have not healed enough for me to move on completely.  I am working on it.  Those are all recent.  I have given up holding onto the crap from childhood and high school.  That is a waste of time and energy for someone over 30.  I believe that this is the source of much of the toxicity we have seen in the Geek and Nerd community.  Holding onto al this negativity only breeds the hate, rage and resentment we have been dealing with in that last few years.  My advice to those who have been hurt, try not to hold onto that in the end it become toxic.  If you exude toxic energy no one wants to be around that.  That toxicity only creates more of the same and ends in a vicious circle. By letting go, it results in such a relief of that kind of burden. That Has Been My Not So Humble Opinion.

Survival & Challenges

A term that gets overused these days is survivor, as in survivor of any traumatic or life-threatening event.  With a catastrophic health issue, I understand its use.  In the media it sometimes feels over used.  I could claim that label multiple times, a survivor of childhood physical abuse, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, an adult child of an alcoholic, and a survivor of domestic abuse.  I have had quite a few challenges in my life. I have had people tell me; they would be permanently stuck in the fetal position if they had been me.  Among my challenges, thing I need to overcome, are a hearing impairment, a cleft lip and palate, several medical conditions as a result of those birth defects, a learning disability, depression (possibly Seasonal Affective Disorder), and ADD.   All of these things are part of me, but they do not define me.

My problem, with the word survive, is that in means just surviving a traumatic event is enough.  It is true that some don’t survive it. Some however never get past it or allow it to control their lives.  What I think is good for dealing with these types of challenges is surviving and thriving.  What I mean by thriving is to grow and be strong after such difficulty.  I myself am not a perfect example of this, but it is something I work towards. I strive to survive and thrive. I am not trying to be flippant about this, surviving and thriving are not easy tasks.  It takes years of work, determination and will to do so.  These obstacles are not easy to overcome.

Many folks have difficulty overcoming those obstacles.  Am I saying they are less for not being able to do so?  No, I am not.  Some folks need more help than others to get through these things.  I just know what I decided to do in my situation.  The reason why I strive to thrive is it is a way to not let those who have hurt me to win.  I am a fighter; I always have been.  I have fought to function at the same level as most others.  My physical obstacles have never made that easy.  I have never had any thing easy, due to that I cherish what I have.

I am not some perfect paragon, as of July 2015, I am still living with family and unemployed.  I still struggle daily with my weight and physical conditioning.  I am working to resolve these things in me.  I have support and people who care.  I still deal with other obstacles that interfere with what I desire.  Raging or crying does not resolve it.  I have learned how to create plans of action for my needs.  Do I always do as I plan or accomplish what I plan? No, I do not.  I do brush myself off and do it again until I succeed.  For me giving up is not an option. Back as when I was a kid in the 1970’s there was a toy called the Weebles.  They were egg shaped people and animals. They had a slogan, “Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down.”  That is part of my strategy in life, I take the hits, but I won’t let it keep me down.  I am not everybody else, and others have their own strategies.

I am not immune to wanting to give up. With my history of fighting just to function day to day due my physical challenges, there is a voice in my head that won’t let me give up.  My inner voice is not nice either.  It comes down to doing the best you can with what you have and learning how to use as many resources as you can.  This all based on my personal history, everyone else’s experiences with vary. 

Milepost 1 on the Road to Wellness

In the two months since my first post about my journey to better health a few things happened.  First, May was the month I lowered my convenience foods to a trickle.  I also started cooking from scratch.  I have not eliminated all frozen, canned, boxed, and bagged foods.  I eliminated all those loaded with all those unnecessary chemicals.  I kept my Zatarain’s but went with either the brown rice or reduced sodium versions.  I continued with the Thai Kitchen rice noodle soup bricks. I removed Cliff bars completely.  My soda intake was whittled down to five a month.  I have been eating a lot of frozen table seedless grapes. Canned chili was replaced with Carroll Shelby’s chili con carne mix.  I added vegetables to dirty rice and chili con carne.

Second, I continued working with portion control.  I went from three bratwursts a sitting to two.  In June, I went from four sandwiches a sitting to two.  In June I did treat myself to two high cocoa chocolate bars, but I did not eat either in one sitting.  When I do treat myself it is one fast food sandwich or two tacos.  Zatarain’s boxed dinners (red beans and rice, black beans and rice, and dirty rice) count for two or more meals instead of one.  I eat one apple or pear at a time.  I eat one piece of fruit leather instead of two or more.  My large Kellogg’s cereal bowls are used for fruit if anything these days.  I limit how much I eat.  I work on not overdoing it. 

I am trying to have more variety in my food. I am using either fat free items or those using olive oil.  Olive oil is my oil or fat of choice, I working to use less butter. Tortilla chips are baked with olive oil.  My dairy products are limited to yogurt and cheese these days.  I can make sorbets and smoothies with a new to me Vitamix, which was a birthday present.  I wanted a Dessert Bullet, but wonderful mother went with something she thought would benefit me more.  Alton Brown always says to avoid uni-tasker machines if at all possible.  I broke out my 6 year old never used George Foreman grill.  It helped keep the fat level down in grilled meats. 

In cooking from scratch again, I have re-ignited my passion for cooking and exploring new foods. In May, I made Sopa de Lima (Yucatan chicken and lime soup), something I had eaten, but never cooked. In June, I made Thai lemongrass and chicken soup, and Indonesian sweet pork.  Future plans include Russian style beef Stroganoff with rice, Madras Beef, and Spanish tortilla (a potato and egg fried omelet).  I get to try new things without the costs of restaurants.  I also get to learn new things and express myself creatively.  I also reconnected with a few favorites from my past chili relleno casserole, Filipino adobo, and my maternal grandmother's zucchini casserole.  Future plans also include meatloaf using rolled oats, another favorite from my childhood, and Filipino pancit with bean thread noodles.

I pulled a muscle in early June and was down a week.  That was a set back, but I powered through. Also both push lawn mowers went down.  Those two affected my activity level.  The muscle pull more so, since I still did my walks with the lawn mowers down.  I exacerbated the pull in helping move some heavy items.  I took it cool after that.  I have had illness and other physical setbacks in the past.  I can get through them. 

In April, I learned I lost 6 lbs in 3 weeks, since I was seen in March.  The following five weeks at my second Dietitian appointment, I lost anther 21 lbs, leading to a total of 27 lbs since late March.  That 21 lbs was a surprise, I knew I had lost some weight, but not that much.  I am working with my dietitian to be watchful on what I am doing and eating.  This is not a sprint, but a marathon.